Starting a New Day!

Have you ever woken up in the morning, looked at your life, and realized (in that exact moment), that what you thought was wonderful and perfect in your life really isn't?

Because that happened to me a few weeks ago, and I'm still having a hard time dealing with it.

It all started  a few months ago when I realized I was not in a happy, healthy relationship. I've tried expressing my points of view, but since our relationship lacks some basics (specifically: trust and respect), most of my opinions have been brushed off, not only by myself, but by the other party as well.


And all of our issues boil down to a lack of trust, and a lack of respect. Because you don't say certain things to someone you love, trust, and respect. And when those certain things come out of someone else's mouth in your direction, your only option is to assume they don't love, trust, or respect you. And what's a relationship without love, trust, and respect? It's not a relationship. It's a roommate situation. I've been living with a "roommate" for 4 years.


And for those of you who know me... this is NOT like me at all. But I have, since moving to Charleston, become completely dependent on him. Not just financially: emotionally, physically, and mentally. And this is NOT like me at all. And I hate it. And I can't live like this anymore.


So I was ready to leave: I have somewhere else to go, and I have the means to leave. And for once in my life, I had the desire to live a better life, the life that I wanted to live, and I wanted to leave. I thought things were hopeless, because after months of saying the same things over and over again and nothing changes, why would this time be any different?

Then I realized that I'm not the kind of person to give up on something that I have invested so much of my life into. The past 4 years of my life have been completely and utterly consumed in this relationship and him, and it's really pathetic for it to take 4 years to make me realize that this isn't a healthy way to live my life. Since moving to Charleston, the fun in my life has come to a screeching halt. No partying for LaSha. No bars for LaSha. No bikini contests or modeling for LaSha.

But since I'm all alone up here, there's no one to tell me (from an objective point of view, and what I rely on my friends for) that I'm not happy. Because I've been so worried about making everyone else happy, meaning him, I forgot about myself.

Until that one day when I woke up and everything hit me all at once.

Even though I've been trying and trying and trying, I'm not one to give up on something without a knock-down drag-out fight. Or someone. Especially someone that I love and care about as much as him. So this is my last change, last-ditch effort to save this relationship. I may regret this later on, you know, staying here like I am, but it feel like the right thing to do right now. So I'm staying. And waiting. And hoping. And praying for an answer.



But he has made somewhat of a change now that he finally realizes that I'm serious and I don't need to put up with this shit anymore. So I can't be a bitch and not give him a chance, but this is the last one. I'm going to be 30 before I know it and I can't let this time of my life slip through my fingers.

So don't ever settle. Because I have "settled", and it's the biggest regret of my life. Hopefully I don't have to "settle" anymore.